“我搞上了馬特•達蒙”事件始末

       首先，爲了防止不明緣由的粉絲對我進行人身攻擊，在陳述故事之間，我需要聲明：

此次事件純屬當事人沆瀣一氣的惡搞行爲；他們之間並未發生任何傷風敗俗之擧！！！

　　

馬特·達蒙(Matt Damon)與本·阿弗萊克(Ben Affleck)均係好萊塢炙手可熱的一線男星。前者曾主演過《心靈捕手》《拯救大兵瑞恩》《天才先生雷普利》《羅漢系列》《諜影重重系列》《格林兄弟》《無間行者》等片，後者則主演了《心靈捕手》《世界末日》《馴鹿遊戲》《珍珠港》《夜魔俠》等片。但令二人揚名的卻是他們共同自編自導自演的影片《心靈捕手》，該片榮獲奧斯卡九項提名，為他們贏得了金毬獎及奧斯卡最佳原創劇本獎兩項殊榮。值得一提的是，二人自幼便是好友，坊間素有馬特與本是一對GAY友的緋聞。

 

而幾米·凱默（Kimmy Kimmel）則是美國人民群衆最喜聞樂見的一名脫口秀主持人，他主持的節目Kimmy Kimmel Live在美國的知名度相當於我國的《實話實説》或者《魯豫有約》。

薩拉·斯沃慢（Sarah Silverman）是上面那個男的幾米·凱默的女友，在美國也很有名氣，是一個兼演員，歌手，主持人和製作人于一身的才女型藝人。

 

好了，終于可以講故事了。

話説馬特·達蒙同學最近很火，觀衆朋友們希望他能夠上幾米·凱默的脫口秀，但是由於檔期問題，每一次幾米都對馬特爽約，這一點讓馬特十分不爽，終于有一天馬特來到了幾米的節目，剛要説話卻被幾米打斷了，原因是節目結束的時間到了，小馬哥終于無法壓抑心中的怒火，發飆了，具體情況見如下視頻：

  http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNjk1ODAwOA==.html

 

 

但是小馬哥並沒有罷休，於是他炮製了針對幾米的報復事件，在一次幾米的節目上，幾米的女友薩拉向幾米爆出她和馬特達蒙搞在一起的新聞，並播放了一段視頻I’m F@cking Matt Damon如下：

 

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMjAwMjc4MDg=.html

      

   I'm Fucking Matt Damon! (中文字幕版) 
　　http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvF2VJBcWOg 

       
　　 這起惡性緋聞並沒有就此告于段落，報復心很強的幾米利用職務之便，糾集大批明星製作了短片I’m F@cking Ben Affleck如下：

 

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMTk0MjA4MjQ=.html

 

       I'm fucking Ben Affleck (中文字幕版) 
　　http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJcjc8jIsxs&NR=1

 

最後由這三段片子組成的短劇I’mF@cking Matt Damon榮獲了金毬獎的“最佳原創歌曲及歌詞獎”

 

除去這個故事本身的娛樂性，我還想說幾句從中外觀衆看待這次事件的態度可以很明顯的發現，在對待一些娛樂事件的態度上，中美觀衆有著根本的不同。美國觀衆從不會把這些惡搞當真，所以美國的演員可以放心大膽的用這種方式取悅觀衆。而中國觀衆的第一反應往往是：

 

看過第一個片子后——馬特真可憐，那個主持人欺人太甚了，要是我根本就不會去參加他的節目！

看過第二個片子——那個女的真賤，怎麽一點廉恥都不懂，這麽噁心的東西也敢往外拿？

看過第三個片子——美國社會真混亂，怎麽這些大牌明星的生活都這麽糜爛？馬特的人緣真差，那麽多明星都討厭他。

 

難怪許多人自詡看過許多外國電影就了解外國文化，其實，你看到的並不一定是真實，只是一廂情願的解構之後扭曲的假象。

爲了方便大家領會I’mF@cking Matt Damon 我把兩首歌的英文歌詞附上，順便你還可以看看第二首歌中的明星自己認識幾個，呵呵，真的這幾個片子太搞笑了。

 

I'm F@cking Matt Damon

 

• Sarah Silverman: Hey Jimmy…it’s me. I’m in ahh, a hotel…I don’t know I’ve been on the road so long I..I don’t even know what city I’m in any more to be honest. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and ahh, I’ve been needing to tell you something. I don’t know why I haven’t but it’s important, I mean we’ve been together for so long, over 5 years, and I still haven’t told you and it’s just not right, so here it goes.
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: I’m sorry but it’s true
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: I’m not imagining it’s you
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: While you’re drinking diet Snapple
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I said I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She said she’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: Hey Kimmel, how do you like them apples? Get it? ‘Cause, ’cause I’m talking about her breasts…
• 
  Sarah Silverman: Yeah…it’s…it’s funny…
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: Hey Jim, don’t take it bad…Remember all the good times we had…Like the time we went fishing…And we caught a bunch of fish…Then you puked in the bucket…On the fish that we caught…
• 
  
• Girls: Knock knock!
• 
  Boys: Who’s that knocking at my door?
• 
  Girls: Imefa!
• 
  Boys: Imefa who?
• 
  Girls: I’m fucking Matt Damon!
• 
  Boys: She’s fucking Matt Damon!
• 
  Sarah Silverman: Analyze!
• 
  Everyone: F-U-C-K Matt D-A-M-O-N…I said F-U-C-K Matt D-A-M-O-N
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: And you know that I ain’t lying
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: I said I’m fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: Ask The Insider’s Pat O’Brien
• 
  The Insider’s Pat O’Brien: It’s true, The Insider has confirmed that she is in fact fucking Matt Damon
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: [Remember when] Last week when I was playing Scrabble with you online, I was fucking Matt Damon
• 
  
• Matt Damon: [Remember when] You went back and forth to do your show and Regis and Kelly’s show, she was DEFINITELY fucking Matt Damon
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: [Remember when] I told you I was fucking Matt Damon? I WAS fucking Matt Damon.
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Matt Damon: She’s fucking Matt Damon
• 
  Sarah Silverman: I love L.A.!
• 
  
• Sarah Silverman: So, that’s it…umm….I think I was clear?
• 
  Matt Damon: No, you did great.
• 
  Sarah Silverman: Oohh, it was okay. [laughs]
• 
  Matt Damon: Pretty damn good.
• 
  Sarah Silverman: Ummm, anyway…umm, you know, we had a great run Jim and ahhh, I hope there’s no hard feelings, I hope we can be friends. I’m friends with all my boyfriends, my old boyfriends. If anything isn’t clear or you need closure of some kind, please please call my publicist Amy Zvi at BNCPR. So take care
• 
  Matt Damon: You know what? Stop right there….Jimmy we’re out of time…sorry.
• 
  Sarah Silverman: [laughs] You are soo bad!
• 
  Matt Damon: A little bit, let’s put that guitar down and go fuck
• Matt Damon…See ya Jimmy.

 

      I'm F@cking Ben Affleck

 

Jimmy Kimmel: Oh, Hi Sarah. It’s been a long time. I guess you’ve been…busy with…Matt Damon. I’ve been busy too. I’ve been thinking about us, and you and him and, I’m happy for you. I really am. He’s a great guy. I mean he’s the sexiest man alive. I found somebodye pretty sexy too. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but…I’m ******* Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: He’s ******* Ben Affleck.

Jimmy Kimmel: While you and Matt are swappin’ spit. I said I’m ******* Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: He said he’s ******* Ben Affleck. Hey Sarah, he’s got bigger ****.

Jimmy Kimmel: They’re not hairy though, right?

Ben Affleck: No…

Brad Pitt: Excuse me…Is someone here…******* Ben Affleck?

Jimmy Kimmel: I am! I’m ******* him!

Brad Pitt: Great, sign here.

Jimmy Kimmel: Thank you. [Reads cake] Congratulations on ******* Ben Affleck.

Crowd & Ben: Ahhhh….

Brad Pitt: What did you wish for?

Jimmy Kimmel & Ben Affleck: When we’re together there’s this feeling inside.
It’s like a million butterflies flutterin’ in my behind.
I love the dimples in your chin, I see diamonds in your eyes.
When I’m ******* you Ben Affleck I feel like I can fly.
And our ******* won’t be stopped no matter how hard they try.

Ben Affleck: They can’t stop it.

Jimmy Kimmel: They can’t stop it.

Joan Jett: You won’t tear them apart. You can’t stop this love affair, cause they love f-u-c-k-i-n-g.

Robin Williams: This is not a man crush. He’s ******* our friend Ben.

Don Cheadle: And so we all…we all hope Matt will understand…

Everyone: He’s ******* Ben

Pete Wentz & Dominic Monaghan: ******* Ben Affleck

Perry Farrell: Yeah, Jimmy’s the one who’s ******* Ben Affleck like they’re in prison.

Everyone: Just like prison.

Macy Gray: He’s ******* Ben…Ben Affleck’s his guy.

Joel Madden and Benji Madden: Oh, it’s through the ******* night and day…

Lance Bass: Just ask Huey!

Cameron Diaz: Okay, I’ll ask him Huey, did you see them **** at all?

Huey Luis: Yes, I saw them ****. They were in a bathroom stall.

Josh Groban: Oooohhh ooohhhh oohhh he’s ******* Ben, ******* Ben Affleck. He’s fuuuucking Bennnn!

Everyone: He’s ******* Ben. He’s ******* Ben Affleck!

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Jimmy’s the one who’s ******* Ben Affleck like they’re in prison!

Meatloaf & Everyone: He’s ******* Ben. Ben Affleck’s his guy!

Joel Madden and Benji Madden: Do the ******* every way.

Dicky Barrett: Just ask Don Cheadle!

Don Cheadle: Ooohhhh ooohhh ooohhh he’s ******* Ben.

Everyone: He’s ******* Ben Affleck!

[Harrison Ford blows a kiss to Ben and Jimmy]

Everyone: Jimmy’s the one who’s ******* Ben Affleck like they’re in prison.

Christina Applegate & Rebecca Romijn: Just like prison!

Everyone: He’s ******* Ben! ******* Ben Affleck. Jimmy’s the one who’s ******* Ben Affleck like they’re in prison. He’s ******* Ben. Ben Affleck’s his guy!

Huey Luis & Cameron Diaz: They’ve been making sweet sweet love, Ben and Jimmy!

Josh Groban: That was pretty fuckin’ good.